My rollercoaster of a life.

I have been gone for so long, nor have I been writing anything. Things went down hill for me and I let it get to me. So much has happened in my life and I have tried to control and fix things. As a kid I was raped and molested by my father. Beaten and mentally abuse by mother and father. Was bullied at school for being myself and not follow fads. Worse yet, teachers would do a damn thing and believed the bullies, sadly it is true. So growing up, I ended trying to fix who I am. Took most of m life trying to not commit to suicide. Took most of my life to not kill myself. Even so I tried to fix my anger and trust issues. No I haven't looked for help, yet I still continue to be myself. Always I would do things for others and do the best I can, simple hate seeing myself to fail. Became a manager at a store, that went wrong and still does. Owner is racist and like to abuse me for cheap. I live in Florida, right to work state. My hours went from 40 to 55/70 hours a week. I was paid only 11.00 an hour but wasn't just a manager. I was force to also be tenant manager, landscaper, painter, electrician, ect.... Owner is cuban, hires more spanish employees and speak to them in spanish, so I never know what is said. They made a mistake and I would get the blame for it every time. Tried to be a manager and discipline employees and guess what i get in trouble. All I have done is verbally tell employees they mistake and reprimand them, or have taken cell phones away. They have been allowed to be rude to customers or me. So all that has been making so tired and keeping me from cook as much as I use to or even write poetry. Well then comes March, I had a vacation planned for Orlando Mega Convention. That is when it got worse for me. Last day of the convention I went to my vehicle to load it up.  My memory stops before I walk outside and start up a day later in a hospital.I talked to nurses, according to witnesses in the police report. I tried to save a carjacking victim. I was unconscious, lifeless and unresponsive. I serious injuries to his head; plus cuts, scratches and, bruises all over. My brain was bleeding and a concussion. From what I have been told, I should heal in six months but most likely have permanent memory lose. I came back home and couldn't drive and had to walk with a cane. After a month I finally went back to work. My boss cut my hours down to under 40 hours and if I went over I was chewed out. Also chewed out if I didn't complete my task. I was in pain, head and muscles, guess that didn't mean a thing. Cashiers under me were making more hours and not reprimanded. They were not doing any of my work. What he doesn't know, I accidentally over heard him one day, he cut my hours so there was no human comp phone calls. When I could drive and walk again, I complained that I would like to full work again. I was given 39 hours a week and every one was told not to work over 40 hours, yet was still allowed to treat me like crap. So yea going to depression and still have pain but I have meds to help. I want to change things but it is a slow process.

Also dating is still trouble, relationships keep failing. One women I liked, we kept going out and sleeping together. Anytime I tried to talk about a real relationship, she would blow me off and disappear in awhile. She even ignored me when I got hurt. Now she is engaged to some guy that I never even heard about. Sadly he has some similar look style like me. I feel like I was just used for sex and attention. Another girl at another time showed interest in me, I told her I like her a lot and wanted to date her on christmas eve. She vanished and stopped talking to me. I found out she went back to an ex, had a kids as well. I just found out she is pregnant again. I am starting to feel like women like to toy with me. I have no idea what to do and stop being nice. I never want to be mean or use people but others do it easily.

I do notice something, I do continue to help others than help myself. In my thoughts, I notice I always get hurt when I help. Also wonder who I am and what I should do in life. Interesting life.


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